The Smile

Lou had told Gerard several times that surely it must be a very small thing and could be easily corrected. 

His desk backed onto Gerard’s desk so that they faced each other all day, every day.  Lou had stared across the desks at him for hours on his first day in the office; still, it had taken months for him to finally mention Gerard’s mouth.  Gerard, used to polite silence, had mumbled it away.  He fell into an old habit: rubbing the bottom of his nose to surreptitiously hide it.

         The problem was this: from the nose down, Gerard always appeared to have just started melting.  His mouth was a soft crumple.

­­        –In my country, Lou said one day, –my aunts would have taken you to the islands in the south.  They would have taken you to see the witches.  Here, you don’t need witches.  You should talk to your doctor.  Fix it.  You’re young!

         –It’s complicated, Gerard said.  He stared at his monitor, trying to concentrate on the page he was reviewing.  QC was a serious work.  These documents would be used in courts of law, and should be treated with respect. 

         He could feel Lou staring at his mouth.

         –You are so young, Lou continued. –if I was your age I wouldn’t want to be wasting my time blaming something like that for all my problems.

         Gerard looked up at Lou, opened his mouth, then closed it.  After a minute he looked up again.  –It’s a.  It’s a complicated issue, that’s all.  There are.  There are factors to consider.

         –What factors?

         –A smile is an extremely complex procedure, Gerard said.  He mumbled and slurred ever so slightly as he spoke, due to the limited motor activity he could perform with his lips.  He spoke very little at work, very little in transit.  He spoke little at the doctor’s office.  He spoke very little in general.  Only when he needed to.  –There are lots of elements to a genuine smile, he finished.

         –What elements?  A smile is a smile.  Women like a good smile.

         –No, there are many elements involved.  Anyway, I can’t afford it.

         – OHIP would not cover it?

         –No.  he said.  When his coworker continued to stare, he added:  –It’s considered a cosmetic procedure.

         Lou blinked, smiling slightly.  This was beginning to annoy Gerard.  He turned back to his monitor.

         After a few moments, Lou asked: –Is it name?

         Gerard looked at him.

         –Is it name?  Lou repeated.

         –Is what named?  Gerard asked.

         –The problem.

         Gerard looked back up at Lou.  He still had that look on his face. –It isn’t a problem.  he said, slowly. –For me.

         –But, is it name?

         Gerard sighed loudly.  He picked up a pen and looked at it. –They don’t really know what it is.  But my doctors call it Acute Idiopathic Facial Palsy.

         –Idiopath . . .

         –Yes.  Gerard said, and turned back to his monitor.

         Daisy, another coworker, approached their desks and asked Lou a question about the order of the pages in the current document being set up.  She was from the same home country as Lou, which seemed to make him think this made the two of them friends.  Before she could walk away, Lou asked her:  –What do you think of Gerard’s mouth?

         Gerard stared at Lou, then at Daisy.  His face went hot.  He could feel his pulse beating in his ears.

         Daisy scratched at her cheek. –What do you mean?  she asked. –It’s fine.  she said.

         –Fine, but could be better, right?  Lou said.  He was smiling at Gerard.

         –Lou,  Gerard said, but could think of nothing further to add.  He wasn’t certain what the company policy was, pertaining to arguments between co–workers.  He didn’t want to get into trouble over this.

         –No, he’s fine, don’t be so mean Lou, Daisy said, laughing slightly.  She made brief eye contact with Gerard, he rubbed his nose again.  Daisy smacked Lou on the shoulder softly and returned to her desk.

         –See?  said Lou. –It isn’t hard to talk to girls.

         Gerard pushed out his chair and left the office.  He walked into the men’s restroom in the hallway, entered a stall, and sat down with his pants up.  He rested his face in his hands.  His face was throbbing heat.

Gerard sighed through his crumpled mouth.

          There was a vent on the upper wall of the men’s restroom, connecting it to the women’s restroom.  Through this vent everything on the other side of the wall could be heard, sometimes to a somewhat disconcerting degree.

         Gerard became aware of two female voices chatting on the other side of the wall.  –Lou was making fun of his mouth, the poor guy.  You should have seen his face, he looked like he wanted to curl up and die.

         Another voice, probably Sherri from marketing, said: –That’s so sad.  I’ve always wondered if it was a condition, or if he was just . . . you know . . .

         –Lou says it’s a condition. 

         –The poor guy.

         Gerard flushed, and left the restroom quickly.  He didn’t want to be seen in the hall.  Back in the office, he briefly visited the break room, stood nervously for a half a minute, then grabbed his coat and told the receptionist he was not feeling well and was going home.  She told him she would pass it along to Carol, staring at his mouth the entire time she spoke.

 

Dr Galambos sat across from him, his fingers resting on his clipboard.  –Well, Gerard, I have to admit, this is something of a surprise.  A pleasant surprise, of course.  I’ve been trying to convince you to pursue some therapy to try to correct the problem for so long that I’d almost given up hope that you would try it, and now . . .  He looked up at Gerard and shrugged.

–I want an operation to fix this.  Gerard said firmly.

–Well, Galambos said.  –I don’t know if an operation is the way we want to go about this.  There are excersises, and–

–No.  No excersises.  I’m sick of looking like this.  I want an operation.  I can afford it.

Dr Galambos took off his glasses. –Gerard, the situation isn’t any different than it’s ever been.  Without knowing exactly what the problem is I think we would be doing you a grave disservice by being overly hasty and jumping into any sort of operation.  Bell’s Palsy has a way of working itself out, and–

–But this isn’t Bell’s Palsy, Gerard corrected.

–No, strictly speaking, it isn’t Bell’s Palsy.  But it’s something very similar, and for the time being I think it’s safer to treat it as if it were Bell’s Palsy.  The conditions are almost identical.  Bell’s Palsy is an idiopathic unilateral facial nerve paralysis, and so is whatever we’re dealing with here.  Except in this case, unilateral means the upper and lower halves of the face, rather than the left and the right.  It may very well still be the same condition, Gerard.

–But we don’t know.

–No, we don’t.

–And it may be permanent.

Golambos sighed.  –Quite possibly.

–Doctor, has it ever occurred to you that I’m not getting any younger?

Dr Galambos looked up at him from the clipboard, but said nothing.

–This condition doesn’t make getting to know girls easy you know.  I’ve already had it for twenty years.  I think its time to try other options.

Dr Galambos looked at his hands. –Then, you’ve gotten over believing–

–Yes.  I have.  It’s nonsense.

–Good.

–You said so yourself, after all.

–Yes, I did.  You, on the other hand, were quite emphatic that you thought it was some sort of–

–Well.  That seems silly at this age.  I would like to try the operation. 

–All right, Galambos said, somewhat wearily. –I have to tell you, of course, that the operation doesn’t promise what most would consider a genuine smile.  A true smile is an extremely complex procedure.  The human face has fifty-three muscles and a smile utilizes almost every single one to some degree.  We cannot even begin to compete with that, even with modern medicine what it currently is.  We will, however, be able to manipulate the Zygomaticus major and minor muscles into simulating the rictus movement commonly associated with smiling, but it will not be, in truth, a genuine smile.

–Doctor, Gerard said in a warning tone.

–I just want you to be aware of the limitations.  This isn’t a miracle cure.

–I’m aware.  How soon can I get it?

 

         Gerard stood looking into his bathroom mirror.  He was smiling at himself.  There was still no feeling in his cheeks or lips, but now when he ordered his face to smile, it smiled.  His lips pulled back away from his teeth and stood at attention.  Now, with practice, his lips didn’t twitch much anymore.  He was really smiling.  It was strange seeing so many teeth.

         Looking at his teeth in the mirror, he thought back on his childhood dentist, Dr Botner.  At the age of nine his two front teeth had already been missing for over a year, but no adult teeth had moved down to replace them.  The dentist could see them up there, but for whatever reason, they weren’t budging.  He had suggested that they lance the gums, so that the movement could begin.  Gerard was opposed to the idea; he hated the idea of surgery.

         “But, Gerard,” his mother had said.  “the dentist thinks the space in your teeth might adversely affect your speech, honey, and you don’t want to lisp like one of those fairies your whole life, do you?”

         Gerard had stomped out of the house, despite the fact that he was supposed to be helping his mother wallpaper his room in a Star Wars theme, to go to the playground.  On the way, he took glee in chanting to himself “Step on a CRACK . . .  break your mother’s BACK!” over and over as he stomped on every crack in the sidewalk.  He ran images of his mother’s back being broken in various ways over and over through his mind. 

In the playground, sitting in a tire swing, Gerard heard sirens but didn’t pay any attention to them.  They were clearly quite far away.  Someone else’s concern.

On his way home, Gerard again indulged in stepping on many sidewalk cracks, thus, in some manner, encouraging the paralysis of his mother. 

He didn’t get to see his mother when he arrived home, but his father was there, weeping into his sister’s shoulder.  Gerard’s mother had already been taken away to the hospital.  Million to one chance, he had overheard an ambulance attendant say.

His mother was doped up when he got to see her.  She was sitting up in bed, her head lolling around; her hair was ratty.  She smiled when her eyes focused in on him, giggling like a child and began to sing “All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth, my two front teeth, my two front teeth . . .” then reached out, caressed his face with her cold fingertips, and squeezed his cheek.  A sharp stabbing pain, a flash of light before his eyes, and a brisk popping sound accompanied the squeeze, then Gerard couldn’t feel the bottom half of his face anymore. 

His mother’s smile faded slowly.  “Gerard?”  she asked, slurring slightly.  “Gerard, what’s wrong with your face?  What’s wrong with your mouth?”

He shrugged.  She began whimpering.  The whimper slowly and horribly gurgled into a shriek.

Afterward, they forgot all about his two front teeth; they eventually grew in on their own, but by that point it was useless to argue whether the lisp was from the missing teeth or from other matters.

Gerard smiled now, staring at his two front teeth in the mirror, smiling, finally smiling.  If only his mother could see him now.

 

He was quiet until almost noon, then finally he cleared his throat and said:   –Lou . . . do you have a pen?

–Hm?  Lou asked, not taking his eyes from his own monitor.

–A pen.  Do you have a pen?

–Uh . . .  Lou said, in a distant dreamy voice.

He continued to stare at his screen.

Gerard waited.  He licked his teeth.  He wet his lips.

Lou finally turned to him. –Sorry.  What?

–Pen.  Gerard said, making a writing motion with one hand.  –Got an extra pen?

–Oh. 

Lou fished under some pages, and pulled out two pens, both with the caps excessively chewed. –Black or blue?  he asked.

–Mm, black.  Gerard said.

Lou tossed him the pen, then turned back to his work.

–Hey.  said Gerard, on a whim.

Lou looked back at him. –Hm?

Gerard couldn’t think of anything to say. –Hey.  Did you watch anything funny on tv last night?

–Mm, no.  he said.  His eyes were beginning to be pulled back toward his screen again.

–I did.  Gerard offered.

–Oh?  Lou asked, offhandedly. –What was it?

–What was it . . .  Gerard pondered.  He couldn’t think of anything.  –Hmm.  I can’t remember the name.  God, it was funny though.  Just thinking about it.  Ha.

Lou looked up.  –You don’t remember what it was? he asked.

–No.  Can’t remember the name.  Still: Ha ha.

Lou stared at him, then turned back to his monitor.

Gerard returned to his work.  It was difficult to concentrate.  After some time had passed he said to Lou: –I guess you were probably wondering why I was away from work . . .

–Vacation? Lou asked, without looking up.

–Recuperation.

–Mm.

 

In the men’s restroom, Gerard stared at his face.  Nobody had said a word about his new mouth. He tried to imitate what his old mouth used to look like.  His old sad crumpled little mouth.  Then, in a flash, he would spring open his new improved smile.  It was utterly dazzling.

He heard a toilet flush on the other side of the wall, in the women’s restroom.  As the roar of rushing water through old pipes died down, he became aware of female voices drifting through the vent.  The first words he caught were: –mouth was the most horrific thing I’ve ever seen.

His blood stopped.

–I know I know I know . . . came the voice of Sherri.

–It’s so sad.  said Daisy.

–I know. It’s haunting.

Gerard turned taps on.  Full force.  He couldn’t hear the voices on the other side of the wall.  Looking in the mirror again he pulled his lips back and smiled.  He stared at his mouth.  Witches, he thought.  Cold water ran over his wrists.  He smiled.